Beats

Music is so varied. Different genres appeal to people on myriad levels. It's great also that we are given tiny devices that allow us to pump whatever love song or generation rage song we are currently digging directly, and privately, into our ears. 

They also sell a variety of headphones at DollarTree. They have on-the-ear, ear buds, in-ear, and clip-on styles in all sorts of fun colors. For one dollar!

The reason I feel a need to mention all of this is because you feel this need to serenade the entire train at 6 AM with the worst, trite gangsta rap I've ever heard. And I'm not even hearing all of it, because the little internal speaker only gives us like the 2000-11KHz range.  So stop it!!!

Also, sitting between two guys reading the bible. One is reading Mark 3:9, the other Corinthians. Would love to hear them argue their interpretations. Would be like nerds arguing Harry Potter.

Yogabootie

It's chilly, almost cold, and I am surprised so many people dress inappropriately when out and about.

A coworker told me the other day about a guy on his bus wearing jean shorty short shorts: the nuthugger types that leave very little to the imagination. This happened when it was a 15° morning.

And right now, a girl right in front of me wearing leggings tucked into tall gray boots and a micro-spaghetti tank top. That's it. It's 40° outside. She must be freezing her chitlins off.

Wabbits

I almost can't see. The old spiked-blonde lady is wearing a perfume that could strip paint with ease, and she is wearing enough of it to recreate the Jonestown massacre on this train.

I want to ask her what scent it is because it is my right to know the cause of my murder.

In other news, I believe in my heart of hearts that Prohibition was repealed because of a phenomenon known as, "Monday."

I'm also being smooshed into the window. This young lady next to me seems nice, but is slowly smashing me. She is reading a Cosmo magazine and drifting to her left. Waaaaaa help!

Canes

The area on the train set aside for the disabled is filled by people with canes. Me and six others all wielding weapons of curled doom. Little rubber ferrules of death. I half expect an epic fight to breakout Jason Statham-style with lots of bashed crotches and broken elbows. 

Sometimes I like crazy people. They talk to the air as if anyone was listening. We a hear, but are not listening. She likes peoples jackets and hairstyles, she has a migraine, and is on her way to see her payee to get money. She thinks she has food poisoning.. which is about when I jammed my headphones into my ears, with extra thumb pressure. She is too disjointed to be interesting. 

Rude

Only an insane person loves early Monday mornings. Yes we all love sitting down on the train because it is halfway between standing and lying.

But for you to gruff and grouse over the lady who has two grocery bags full of toys she is donating sitting on a seat next to her, makes you the rude person and not her. 

The contents of her bags will bring more happiness to more lives than you probably ever have or ever will. They deserve that seat way more than you.

That burning sensation you may be feeling is the stares of disbelief and disdain from just about everyone around you. 

Audience

There was an older lady, not elderly, but probably mid-60s sitting next to me having a conversation about various things.

As we passed by it, she remarked how she forgot they had opened a City Target downtown, and also how each time the doors open the cold blustery wind chilled her after she just got 'friggin' warmed back up. 

Her fibromyalgia is back, so her joints and muscles ache in this weather. She really hopes her daughter comes and sees her for the holidays as it's been a while. Finally, she mentions how her little dog loves the snow but hates to wear her little blue sweater she spent so much time knitting.

When we entered the tunnel I notice she has no phone, and nobody else is near her. I had inadvertently been the best listener ever as I realize she has been talking to me this whole time. I said the first thing that came to mind:

"Maybe you should have made a pink one."

Lit

There's a woman reading a bible this morning. A tattered onion-skin page version all dog earred and with little memo stickies popping out to save her favorite passages. Makes me wonder what her favorite guilt is. She closed the book and her eyes and just hugged it to her chest. I am partly jealous because I have nothing that important in my life. I can tell she would die for her book.

Beside me is a kid with a gold watch and a crucifix tattooed on his wrist. His phone's screen is shattered beyond recovery and he is still using it. It strange that he can. 

Beside him is a woman in medical scrubs rapidly chowing down on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She is eating so fast, she can't possibly taste it as it has to be jumping her tongue going teeth to throat.

Non

Tonight there's no post.

People are being people.

I'm taking a nap.

Ooze

It's a very chilly, clear morning. So one tends to wear articles of clothing perhaps that offer more warmth. This can take the form of a thick wool coat, a scarf, or the flannel Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajama pants. 

Wait what?

Now you might think this would be seen on someone who may be marginally employed, or a few screws loose. This guy has a laptop case and looks to be heading work. I love this.

Diet

The guy next to me is also disabled. His disability however I think is the inability to not hork down high octane junk food into his jiggling jowls. I am being smashed against the window by him. I'm becoming more dense. Should I die from the pressure, be sure to harvest my organs because they are surely compressed to gemstones by now. 

Give my diamond guts to my family and friends. Everything but my large diamond heart, which will come out brilliant and about 225 carats. Present that to my mother. She deserves it.

Ugh.. Ow.. And to top it off he is playing Candy Crush on this phone. Oh the irony...

Invention

Without headphones I likely would be in jail. Allow me to explain. Loud babies who want a number of things in a specific way, but are unable to articulate it, are the worst brain puzzle ever. This mom had to figure out that her screaming demon wanted out of her carrier, without one mitten on, and that mittenless snack-hand shoved into a bag of pretzels.

Like a tiny terrorist, if any of those demands were not met, she would lay waste to the ears of the train with the most god awful shrieks. 

Thankfully it only took two stops for the mom to babyhack and found the right combination. Now the little ball of evil is sitting with a happy tear-streaked face; a pretzel stick protruding from her mouth like a victory cigarette.

I wonder if this strategy would work for me around review time. If I don't get the pay raise and bonus I want, I'll scream and shit my pants right there in conference room 42.

Pen

So a street kid of 28 or 29 was riding here, sitting with a box of Hershey's chocolates, presumably selling them for whatever cause. He was holding a Starbucks hot chocolate between his knees as he adjusted his big backpack bundle of belongings, and smooshed the cup spilling 16 ounces of cocoa down his leg, and onto the floor. The channeled rubber floor just drained it down the length of the train; sticky for everyone.

He stood up embarrassed and tried to mop up the spill with some of his candy order sheets. We apparently reached his stop, because before he got off he said, "if any of you are going to the suburbs, please warn them of my spill."

This is a half-hearted play at immortality if I ever saw one.

As another guy departed the train he complimented my cane telling me it was a, "very nice bit of blackthorne you have there."

I said thank you. Just because I occasionally need to carry one, doesn't mean I can't be fashionable.

Scant

There is nothing to write about. There are maybe 12 people on this entire train right now. Most are still asleep. 

I thought it might be snowing, but I was wrong. It was just cold. I woke up 30 seconds before my alarm, so I woke up rested, only to be startled to hell and back.

Spoke too soon:

Those pants replete with hooks and hoops are being worn by: what appears to be approximately a bald 55-60 year old "punk" man with bright Kool-aid-red eyebrows, and many faded light blue-green tattoos. Perhaps an original Ramones fan? He is jamming out to something and is my favorite person of the day so far.

Light

Oddly, not many people on the train right now. Perhaps many took Monday off as an extended vacation? I do not know for sure, but it's nice to have the leg room. 

Not much going on here:

Young couple making out, she is obviously way better at it than he is. His technique is sloppy and clumsy. Hers is practiced with a devil's grace. He is in trouble, but the good kind he will remember for a long while after she moves on.

Behind me, a thug is shaking his chocolate milk by smacking the bottom of the bottle with his palm. Loudly. For the last 10 minutes. Like, "Dude, your Quik is mixed. It's an aerated smoothie at this point." Gangsta milk. 

The lady in front of me has amazingly colorful luggage. I love it. 

Mothers

Millions of new disabled are created every day. All they need to do is pump out a unit. Apparently being a mom with a stroller qualifies you to take up all the seats reserved for seniors and people with disabilities. There are four of them. 

There is some science on your side here. Studies show that becoming a parent drops your overall IQ by a number of points, likely pushing you onto the uphill side of the bell curve into double-digit land.

This effect is exacerbated with more children.

It is, however, important that I point out that your resultant condition, and apparent inability to operate birth control, are not what the happy train people mean by disability.

In other news, the person next to me has a clear Tupperware bottle of what looks like a purple-brown paste. It's nauseating to watch her take sips from its huge boba-like straw. I'm assuming it's delicious because.. it has to be. It looks like she is drinking Vegemite.

Also: funny watching a woman with three (3) very large purses try to get comfortable. I should be videoing this, or at least playing Yaketty Sax music.